Wednesday, August 8, 2012

FEATURE: LoEB ''Reboot and Recast''

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Our assignment this week - courtesy of Paxton Holley at Cavalcade of Awesome - is based around that popular Hollywood tradition, the remake.

Remake one of your favorite movies with a cast of current Hollywood stars.

I've spent a little time thinking about this and realized that there's no point whatsoever in even attempting this. You see, Hollywood is remaking every movie ever made (ever) to the point that by the time a movie is completed, they're already discussing the reboot. Seriously, they're already discussing a new Batman reboot despite the fact that The Dark Knight Rises is playing in theaters as we speak.

So I decided I'd be a little crafty and incorporate another Hollywood tradition - the small-to-big-screen adaptation. And given that it's (A) returning to our screens very soon but (B) rumors continually persist that a movie is in the works, I thought I'd reboot my favorite TV show, Doctor Who.

Doctor Who 101
Being born a Brit (and being my age) it's easy to forget that not everybody is familiar with Doctor Who, so here's a brief crash course in all things Who that will hopefully bring you up to speed.

Doctor Who follows the adventures of a character called ''The Doctor'' (the show's title is a play on the fact that he never gives a surname, although that would mean it should technically be called ''Doctor Whom'' but I digress), a 900 year old explorer from the planet Gallifrey. As a Time Lord (an elite member of Gallifreyan society) The Doctor pilots a (stolen) time and space capsule called The TARDIS (Time And Relative Dimension(s) In Space), which has a malfunctioning Chameleon Circuit and as a result, appears as a blue police box. Unfortunately, The TARDIS is even older than The Doctor and so the combination of a somewhat forgetful eccentric and  unreliable technology rarely sees The Doctor arriving at the exact time and location he expected.

One unusual aspect of The Doctor's adventures is that for all their peril and danger, he will usually attempt to find a peaceful or diplomatic solution to whatever matters arise. There is a strong moral message to the show, in that differences are to be accepted and that through cooperation and understanding, we can all become better people. Whenever The Doctor is forced into action, he acts - albeit regretfully - with a ruthless brutality, taking on the true aspect of the Hero by adopting the methods of the enemy, thus ostracizing him from the society he protects and leaving him alone to burden the guilt of his actions.

The Doctor is often accompanied by companions, who serve as the viewer's entry point into the adventures. So whenever The Doctor encounters a Zlorb bent on galactic conquest and then comes up with a brilliant way to defeat its plan, the companion can pose all the questions the audience will be asking.

One point worth mentioning is that Doctor Who is the longest-running sci-fi show in the world and although it took an extended hiatus in the 90s, next year sees its 50th Anniversary. As a result, The Doctor has been played by over a dozen different actors, courtesy of the concept of Regeneration. Whenever a Time Lord is badly injured, he has the ability to repair every cell in his body. This has allowed the producers to replace The Doctor whenever an actor tires of the role but also maintain continuity across the show. Although his personality and looks may change, his essence remains the same.

My Doctor!
So let's look at how we could improve the show to make it palatable for a modern movie-going audience. 

Let's start with his name. ''The Doctor'' is a terrible name for a hero and should only be used in medical-themed dramas (as outside of a hospital environment it sounds weird and dumb.) So in the new movie adaptation, The Doctor's name will be changed to Captain Timekicker. It's got a bit of a militaristic sound to it (which not only makes him sound tougher but also indicates that he's in a position of authority granted to him by the space army) and the fact that he goes around through time kicking ass (not that we can use the word ''ass'' as that's offensive) and killing aliens means he needs a name that reflects that.

Speaking of ass kicking, Captain Timekicker is not a wussy pacifist. As far as he's concerned, anything that looks, sounds, smells, walks or talks differently to him is clearly an alien threat and so should be dealt with in the most violent manner possible, just to set an example to any other species that thinks it can just do whatever the hell it wants.

But isn't Captain Timekicker is an alien? I hear you cry.

Not now. He's now Earth's Mightiest Man, the product of a government program to create the ultimate protector of our planet. Along with his companions Suzi Sexington and Suzi Alsosexington (a pair of clones who are in love with Captain Timekicker and will kiss him a lot - but no more than that, as that would be offensive), he defends the universe from whatever threats may be waiting.

A flying police box is just a rip-off of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, so the USS TARDIS (Totally Awesome Radical Destruction In Space) will also receive an overhaul in the new movie that also embraces the more proactive spirit of adventure in this reboot.

Much better.

The cast can make or break a movie, so it's important when we look at our lead we choose an actor that's available to shoot around our special effects schedule. Probably this guy.

You may be wondering why we're looking to cast an actor known predominantly for his comedic roles but you have to realize that Hollywood is the home of risks! And what better risk is there than casting an actor whose previous movies have made him over $300 million?

Suzi Sexington and Suzi Alsosexington will be brought to life using CG animation. However, as that's becoming somewhat tired, we'll also be using the latest in voice synthesis to provide a stunningly realistic, almost Schwarzenegger-level of realism and performance. Your heart will melt as you hear them declare ''Cap.Tin Time-Kick. Er. We loooove yo ERROR 302!''

Actual test renders of Suzi and Suzi (Image: YoJoe)
Also, as you can see, Suzi and Suzi will be really hot and are not blue and weird like that hot but blue and weird chick in Avatar.

Captain Timekicker's effects are so awesome that a plot would just get in the way of things exploding and all the awesome space robots that will occupy every single inch of every single frame.

Captain Timekicker: Adventures in the Awesome Space Explosion Zone is set for a 2014 release. The reboot will follow later that year.



  1. Ha ha! Well played mate. Couldn't have put it better myself. The worst part is that if I'd read this on a news site I'd probably have thought it was for real. It seems now that Steven Moffat is saying that the movie idea doesn't even exist anymore. So first it was a reboot, then it was canonical and tying in with the show using the current actor playing the Doctor and now it just plain doesn't exist. I'd have been all for the middle version of that where they had a movie tying in with the show. The only "reboot" idea I would have even entertained would have been to tell the story of William Hartnell's younger first Doctor. I wouldn't be totally opposed to that. But anything new? Not on my watch!

    Great blog post. It did have me laughing the whole way through.


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